Eating turtle may be frowned upon in most parts of the world. But I don’t live in most parts of the world. I live on a tiny island in the middle of the eastern Pacific Ocean. The islanders have been eating turtles for thousands of years and feel absolutely no guilt about munching on these big-eyed cuties. To them, it’s just another sea creature that is part of the bounty of the sea.
I am going to explain the turtle eating process in simple bullet point steps. It will be in the form of a simple recipe, so that if you are so inclined, you can make yourself a tasty batch of turtle soup in the comfort of your own kitchen (but after reading this, you might not want to). I hope you aren’t too offended by the gruesome nature of the turtle cooking process.
¯ If you spot a turtle when you are swimming in the ocean, don’t swim away. Approach the turtle from behind, grab its front flippers from the rear and yank them at a severely awkward angle. This will snap their bones and disable their maneuverability.
¯ Grab the turtle shell and direct its swimming pattern to the shoreline or to the edge of a boat. Hoist the turtle on dry land and flip it on its shell. It will not be able to right itself without your help.
o I didn’t actually catch a turtle. We bought a fresh one for $10. However, this is the method of turtle catching that I have been told is the most common.
¯ Bring the turtle to your household or outdoor cookhouse. Keep fresh water running on the turtle so that he doesn’t dry out. Its important to keep it alive so that the meat doesn’t spoil in the sun.
¯ Supplies: two knives, a large pot, running water (or a big bucket), and banana leaves for a sheet underneath your operation
¯ With the turtle on its back and still breathing, begin the incision.
¯ Insert the knife into the soft spot of skin between the shell and the front breastplate. Continue incision along the edge of the shell and attempt to separate the breastplate from the shell.
¯ Cut the muscle, tendons and gooey stuff from the edge of the breastplate so that it is entirely separated. Rip the front piece off the turtle. Discard the breastplate.
¯ Now you are left with the open torso of a living turtle. Its lungs will still be pulsating and it may attempt to struggle. Assert your dominance and hold the turtle still while you continue the butchering.
¯ It is now time to disembowel the animal. Reach inside the open belly with your hand and pull out the large intestine. Although the animal is small, it still has a lot of large intestine that could be quite full. Tear out the innards and put them aside for later preparation.
¯ Continue cutting out pieces of the animals living tissue. The liver, bladder, and the rest of the intestines should be pulled out of the body cavity.
¯ At this point, blood will begin to spill out into the shell of the turtle. Scoop the blood out with your hand and put it into the pot. If you allow too much blood to accumulate in the body cavity, it will be difficult to see what you are working with.
¯ The next part is rather tricky. It is time to remove the hearts. Yes, these turtles have two hearts. One for the water, one for the air. When you attempt this critical procedure, the turtle will struggle intensely. It will squirm and shake with all its might in its final death throws. Cut the veins and arteries that connect the hearts and yank them out.
¯ WARNING: The absence of a heart still wont kill the turtle, its lungs will still be moving and its muscles will still be twitching. Although the cutting began almost fifteen minutes ago, the turtle will most assuredly still be alive.
¯ Sever the muscles along the back flippers and cut off the hind legs. Try to make the cut so that the two back legs are still attached to the tail. There are bones that connect these pieces, so it should be easy to keep it intact in one piece. However, separating the tail and legs from the body and shell can be difficult.
¯ Continue separating the tissue along the side of the turtle and work your way up towards the front flippers. The front flippers are larger and take more work to pull off.
¯ The chest area around the lungs contains the highest quality meat, so be careful about where you cut. Pull out all this meat.
¯ The last step is to behead the carcass. It will take a chopping motion with the knife to snap the bone that connects the head to the shell. Once the head is severed, the turtle can finally be pronounced dead.
¯ All of the turtle pieces should be placed in a large pot along with all of the blood. The large intestine can be placed in a separate container.
¯ Chop the meat into small pieces and do your best to separate it from skin and bone. Put the pieces back into the pot of blood.
¯ WARNING: the heart and chest tissue might still be twitching even after they are removed. The animal is cut into little pieces, but the pieces still don’t know that they are dying. They will still pulsate and throb with life.
¯ Slice the long intestine lengthwise and pull out the excrement. We don’t want to eat the stuff inside, but we do want to eat the intestinal lining. Wash the intestine with water and cut into small pieces.
¯ The throat of the turtle is a long tube that is lined on the inside with tentacle like protrusions. It looks like a floppy piece of coral inside the neck. Chop this up and put it with the intestines.
¯ Put all the chopped pieces into the pot of blood. Add a little bit of water, some garlic, a half a onion and cover it with the turtle shell.
¯ Cook for half an hour on an open flame.
¯ Pour into bowls and enjoy with a fresh chunk of pounded breadfruit!
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